I’m having a really tough body image day today. So for my thought download, I’m choosing to answer “What do I think about my body?” My body and I have had a really rocky relationship over the years. I’ve always had a bigger body, I don’t ever remember a time where I fell into the “normal” BMI range. And for so many years, I hate my body. I hated how big my legs were, and how veiny they appeared. I hate my cabbage patch knees and my cankles. I hated my big butt, and stomach, and the little shelf of fat and skin that hung over my belly button. I hated my love handles and I hate my arms that were so big they never fit into any tops right. I never wore shorts, I never wore dresses. I wore a fleece jacket for four years of high school just to hide my arms. And I think the craziest thing is that there is no way to hide having a bigger body. People have eyes, they can see you. Of course they know how big your body is. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to hide it by wearing black, or flattering cuts, or covering up.
As the years passed, I think I just finally came to accept that I would never be thin. I would never have toned legs or a toned stomach. This was just the way my body was, and instead of focusing on what I couldn’t control, I started to focus on what I could. After I gave birth to my first child, I realized what a miracle my body was and the amazing things it could do. I started to look at it in a different light, and I wondered, “If it can grow a child, and give birth, what else can it do?” So I put it to the test. I joined a gym, I started lifting weights, I started to take spin classes, I joined a crossfit gym, I started running. Then I started running more, and longer distances. I completed my first half marathon in 2019 and since then, I’ve run three more. I’ve run Ragnars where my team and I have run over 200 combined miles.
So today, I know how amazing this body is. I know how many obstacles it has overcome and how much it has proven itself over the years. But I still can’t help but be sad and disappointed that it will never look the way I want it to look. And to be honest, I don’t even know WHY I want it to look that way?? Is it because that’s what I see online, what I see in movies, in magazines? Why to I want to have toned, blemish free legs? Why do I want to have a six pack? Why do I want to have tiny, graceful, bird-like arms? I have no idea. But the compulsion is still there, the sadness is still there and I hate that it causes me to be unhappy with the body that has done so much for me over the years. A lot of my binges occur because of these difficult feelings too. There are a lot of thoughts around, “Why even bother watching what you eat? Eat the tub of ice cream. You’ll never be thin, so why try?” And then I end up giving in to that thought.
And I know that a lot of these feelings are because of growing up during PEAK toxic diet culture, when heroine chic was a thing. And I also know that seeing the women in my life struggle with their body image also contributed. I want so desperately want to set a better example for my daughter than the examples I had. I want her to know that all bodies are good bodies and that one of by biggest whys. I never want her to feel this way about her body, because to me, her body is a miracle that my body created.
Woof, that is a lot of thoughts and feelings! So let’s get this down into a thought model and see if we can be more intentional with the way I’m thinking about my body!
Unintentional Thought Model
C – I am currently clinically classified as morbidly obese
T – I’ve been this way my entire life and I’ll never change
F – Hopeless, out of control, defeated, depressed
A – Giving up and binging
R – Being more upset with myself and cementing the thought that I will never be able to change
Intentional Thought Model
C – I am currently clinically classified as morbidly obese
T – I am working on learning the skills I didn’t have before. These will help me make the changes I want to make.
F – Peaceful, hopeful, proud, happy
A – Continuing to work on learning and growing my skills
R – Improving my relationship with my body
Working through the unintentional and intentional thought models really does open my eyes to how this is all affecting me. And the bonus is that now, if I feel the urge to binge today, I can take a look at how I’m feeling and see if I’m falling into that old model. And it’s even more proof that the intentional model is working! This is something I never would have done or thought previously which in itself is a win!