Q: What might you typically think when you’re feeling an urge to binge?
A: For a long time, I wasn’t even noticing the urge was happening. It’s like I would wake up in the binge, or when the binge was done and just think, “What have I done?” At that point, I would think, “I have no self control.” Or “Ugh, I am disgusting.” Now that I’m more aware of when the urge occurs, there’s definitely more of an internal struggle where I try to think about what the cause of the urge is. Is it physical, am I really hungry? Or is it emotional, am I trying to escape feeling an unwanted or uncomfortable emotion? Or am I just looking to feel good? A lot of times it’s because I’m trying to avoid an uncomfortable feeling by making myself feel good through food. Sometimes, when I try to fight it, I get exhausted, and then I think to myself, “Fuck it, I don’t care.” But I do. I know I care because I wouldn’t still feel shitty about doing it if I didn’t.
Q: What are some reasons or excuses that you might come up with to binge?
A: Oh man, there are A LOT of them! If I’ve been restricting, then that’s a reason. Like, “Well, I’ve been so good lately, I deserve this!” but then that one “cheat” turns into a binge, and that singular binge will turn into a day of binging and then a week of binges. Other excuses, like if I’m just emotionally tired of fighting the urge, I’ll say, “Fuck it, I don’t care, I’ll just do it.” But then I still end up feeling so shitty both mentally and physically. Those are two of my most common reasons or excuses.
Q: When you feel full, why do you keep eating past fullness?
A: This is a really interesting question. Before I even knew what binge eating was a thing, I would call my binge episodes “Black Hole Mode.” It was the closest I could describe to what I was feeling. Like there was this giant gaping hole inside me and no matter what I did, I couldn’t fill it. So I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m searching for something to fill that hole and I’ve chosen the wrong thing so I never get the relief that I’m looking for? And so I just keep eating and eating until I make myself physically sick? I mean, binge eating has never once made me feel better, or made me feel like I got what I needed, or provided relief in anyway.
Q: How do you feel emotionally after you binge? And why?
I feel emotionally raw. Like I still feel the uncomfortable feelings, but now on top of those feelings I also feel hopeless and disappointed in myself. Like, I’m an adult and I should be able to cope with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way. And I should have more self-control than I do. And the biggest feeling I’ve been having lately is hopelessness in the fact that I haven’t changed or can’t change and that I won’t ever be able to break this cycle.
Q: What are your thoughts about your body right now?
It’s gross. I hate it. It’s betrayed me. And those thoughts make me so sad. Like I know how terrible it sounds to feel like that about your own body.