Abby Normal

There’s this great movie that I used to watch with my dad all the time, Young Frankenstein (1974). It had so many funny people in it, like Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, Cloris Leachman (Frau Blücher, [horses whinny]). Anyway, if you’ve seen it, you’ll know how amazing it is. If you haven’t seen it, there’s this one scene where Dr. Frankenstein starts to suspect that Igor didn’t bring him the brain he’d requested for the dead man he’s just brought back to life. He goes:

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Now that brain that you gave me. Was it Hans Delbruck’s?
Igor: No.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Ah! Very good. Would you mind telling me whose brain I DID put in?
Igor: Then you won’t be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: I will NOT be angry.
Igor: Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor: Abby… Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Abby Normal?
Igor: I’m almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[grabs Igor and starts throttling him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Is that what you’re telling me?

It’s in this moment that Dr. Frankenstein is realizing that he’s placed an abnormal brain in a hulking monster that had just tried to choke him out. And I feel this weird kinship with Frankenstein’s monster because I also feel like I have an abnormal brain. My ENTIRE life I’ve thought about food CONSTANTLY. My mind feels like a Chrome window that has hundreds of tabs and they’re all recipe blogs with a million ads and the crazy long descriptions where you have to dig and dig to find the actual recipe. And I’m just consumed with thoughts about what I should be eating, what I shouldn’t be eating, when I should be eating, how much I should be eating, if I’m eating this then how do I offset it. Just over and over and over again. And the only time I’m not thinking about food, it’s because I’m spinning out about my body and how big it is and how much space it’s taking up in a world that literally LOATHES larger bodies. I’m just so exhausted and all I want is to be normal. I want my relationship with food to be “normal.” I want my relationship with my body to be “normal.” I want to be “normal.”

And for a really long time, like my whole entire life, I tried. I really did. I tried to shrink my body, I tried to take up less space, I tried to diet, and restrict, and cut out foods, or only eat certain foods. And none of it worked. It’s made things worse. So I’m in my 30s, staring down the barrel of a binge eating diagnosis just wondering, “How the fuck did I get here?” So that’s what I’m trying to find out. How did I end up where I am today. How can I change? Is there a way to heal the way I see my body and my relationship with food. I know there are people out there that have normal relationships and healthy body images. How do I become one of them??